The side of sports we miss – and dream about

Imagine sports like they were when we were kids. It was only about cycles and perfect games. It was only about the Musical City Miracle. It was only about the game winning shot.

Once you delve into sports, though, you find: affairs and abortions, drugs and steroids, and greed and a business-like atmosphere.

Position favoritism in sports

Hockey goalies. Baseball pitchers. Football quarterbacks. And, to some degree, basketball superstars. What do they all have in common? Most of the time, they are treated like kings and queens in their respective sports. Rules are changed for them. Officials give them the benefit of the doubt. And teams protect their large contracts like they would protect their first-born – or their team from a potential curse.

Is it unfair for sports teams to favor more talented players and “skill” positions? Or are they simply protecting their investments – ensuring their money is well spent (unlike when reality shows give away money to crazy, outlandish, and useless people who were chosen to “star” on the show only because they would drive up ratings).

What’s all the commotion over handshakes?

First Lebron James didn’t want to shake the hands of the Orlando Magic players after the Magic eliminated the Cleveland Cavaliers from the NBA playoffs. Now, Sidney Crosby was too slow to shake the hands of some Detroit Red Wings players after the Pittsburgh Penguins won the Stanley Cup.

Two incidents. Two different sports. The same silly, over hyped topic. Shaking an opponents hand after a hard fought series may be a sign of respect, but let’s not make it in to such a big deal. After all, it’s just a handshake.

Sports depression: Anyone know a good therapist or a less competitive hobby?

I admit it. I suffer from mild sports depression. If the Boston Red Sox or New England Patriots lose, my confidence lowers and I am easily irritated. Side note: thankfully they have both won a lot lately and I follow the five-year grace period rule after a championship.

It is not like I live or die by sports, even though ESPN is my homepage and I start and end each day by reading all the interesting articles I find in the top news section. After one of my teams loses, I don’t buy a quart of Peanut Butter Perfection from Cold Stone Creamery, grab a box of tissues, and curl up into the fetal position.

But for some reason, I let things bother me more after a loss or when a team I despise – such as the New York Yankees, the New York Knicks, or the Indianapolis Colts - wins. Don’t fool yourself, though, there are other fans like me out there – all you have to do is look to European football fans.

A sad day for Boston sports fans but a bright future

The Orlando Magic eliminated the Boston Celtics from the playoffs yesterday. The Carolina Hurricanes knocked out the Boston Bruins from the playoffs only a few days earlier. And the Boston Red Sox, while playing well, don’t look like World Series contenders – yet.

Boston sports fans have come accustomed to championships. And at times, 2009 looked like the year Boston could pull off the impossible: a championship in every major American sport.

For 2009, the city can only root for the Red Sox, who up until four years ago were known as losers; the New England Patriots, who got caught cheating a little more than a year ago; and the demise of the New York Yankees (which is an always to root for). But while today may be cloudy in Boston, future years look as bright as sunny California.

Superstitions…I just want to say, “Good luck!”

During the 2004 MLB playoffs, I knew a die hard Boston Red Sox fan who would not watch any of the Sox playoff games on television. She missed game one of the American League Divisional Series because of work and didn’t want to jinx a potential World Series victory. As we all know, the Sox won the Series that year. But to the disappointment of my friend, it was not because of her.

Every where you look, sports players, analysts, and fans have various, ridiculous superstitions to keep their team from losing. It doesn’t matter to them that someone 1,000 miles away could be doing their own ritual to help their team knock off their opponent. All that matters is that they follow their superstition to the exact detail like how a person afraid of birds will cross a street to avoid a pigeon.

A new version of instant replay

Every fan knows the drill when a close play happens in a sport that allows instant replay challenges. Watch the first two replays to make a decision and then go to the bathroom, restock the snacks and beer cooler, and return in 2 to 3 minutes to remold your seat cushion. After 3 minutes, a referee (who probably took a bathroom break and chugged a beer as well) will announce what everyone, except for the fans at the game, already knew: the correct call.

The only thing worse than the repetition of the same play is the pride Barry Melrose has for his mullet. What I don’t get is why a referee is not in a booth viewing controversial plays long before coaches pull that red flag out of the most disturbing places alive. Seriously, I admire Bill Belichick more than any other coach in the NFL, but it cannot be efficient for him to keep the flag tucked in his sock underneath his pants.

Sports merchandising is genius

Doom wears a diaper. Or so a plastic baby doll wearing a knitted black and gold Steelers uniform told me. No, I am not crazy. But if you are a Steelers fan or just looking to hear a funny, but frightening, manly-talking baby, you may want to check out Steelerbaby.

How to define a sport

At one event, a mixed martial artist will flip a man to the ground in an attempt to win a match. And at another event, a cheerleader will flip another cheerleader over as part of a choreographed routine. Both moves are similar in design and have a similar purpose. But mixed martial arts is categorized a sport, and cheerleading is considered a hobby or an activity.

What makes them different other than that the mixed martial artist will kick the person he throws to the ground while the cheerleader will run next to the person on the ground saying, ‘Shit! I’m so sorry!’? What categorizes one game a sport and another game in the same field as model airplanes? In my opinion, each event needs three requirements (Direct Competition, Physical Activity, and Talent) to be considered a sport.

David Wells vs. Charles Barkley

While watching the Boston Red Sox finish up their series against the Tampa Bay Rays, Charles Barkley challenged David Wells (TBS’s newest baseball analyst) to a race. Wells (who Barkley called fatter than him) quickly rebutted by saying I will win any race between us. Of course, he didn’t accept the race but only put it back in Barkley’s court.

During their exchange, both former stars called each other fat and slow and guaranteed they would win. That got me thinking – and not about bad knees or one pound burgers. Who would win in a race? And can those two “running” against each other count as a race if they bumble towards the finish line slower than the Bachelor eliminates a contestant from an episode.